sitting at home with greg,
enjoying the heater.

it's freezing outside.
i am lucky to have a home.
:)

i feel bad for all the homeless
wish i had enough money to help everyone out.

but we gotta help ourselves first.


life is pretty rough.

Current Location: home.
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: talking.

Greg and I are STILL together, happy, in love. Man, it's going on 5 years now.
I always knew he was the one for me.

I never write on here, I just can't trust something so weak like an online journal. Anyone could be reading this, taking my thoughts or confusing me with someone else.
I've been writing a lot though, finding out who I am, what I want to write about.. Learning who I am as a Writer.
Today I can call myself a Writer. I have always wanted that.


It's fall now.. Again.. Our fifth fall.. Our fifth year...God, that sounds so amazing.


Anyway,
It's fall.. It's wet, it's sad, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

Write On.

Current Location: With greg, at home.
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: 15.

it seems that i always come back to this stupid journal, again and again.
though, it doesn't even help.


i feel low and depressed and i don't know why.
i want out.
i want to sail away and never come back to this place.

i want happiness back.
i want to feel free.

Current Location: home.
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: NONE AT ALL.

tomorrow is my first day of work, ever in my entire life.
not counting the day i worked as a maid at a gross motel, or the few days i worked at the cafe.

i feel like a kid and i don't want to grow up.

i don't want things to change.
sleep in until 1 and stay up until i pass out.
but i can't do that anymore.
i have responsibilities cause that's what "grown ups" have.
and i have to be okay with that,
because that is just how it is.

Current Location: room.
Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: keane.

but i don't feel at home here today.
i keep remembering the past. when i lived at my moms, and the walls were very white. the sun make them glow and she was always singing and laughing and making me feel like i was still alive.
i keep thinking of how much i love her. how much i miss her voice and the way she would smile at me and tell me that she loved me.
i miss feeling at home somewhere. being content there. having a good dinner being made, the tv loud, people talking, me in my room petting sophie and writing poetry and not worrying about the next hour.

today i feel very very very very depressed and now matter how hard i try to take it away by focusing on other things, i keep ending up wishing i was somewhere else. and it all seems so impossible now.

greg is being nice and he's always lovely. his beauty is always apparent to me. and that is all gone and dandy.
i wish i felt like that. lovely and good and alive and happy.. maybe worthy.

oh God, why me?

Current Location: hell.
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: bright eyes.

since I've wrote last but that doesn't mean I don't think about it.

I have a lot to say but I don't know how to say it.

And that's just it.






I promise.

Current Location: home?
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: c.o.

a genius painted this....


and she is only four.

her paintings sell for thousands of dollars.
this one is my favorite.


it's called Ocean.

Current Location: room.
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: none.

Maybe it's me who's this unstable,
always obsessed about the end.
Why can't I let what happens happen,
and just enjoy the time I spend?
Oh how I wish it was so easy,
but when there is no point to anything,
you know it can get a bit confusing.
_________________________________


today i drove through town and i didn't see you anywhere.
sometimes it feels like you're really gone,
but i know deep down you're still there.

i gave my mom a ride and it was nice to see her smile.
to know that she is my mom and i was in her stomach for 9 months,
it makes everything a little easier to think about.
greg and i were arguing but it will all get better,
things take time and effort..
yet i am so tired.

i haven't wrote a poem in a very long time
and it's eating me up inside.
all of these emotions go untended to and leave me feeling
sad all of the time.
i wish there was something i could do to get everything out,
the drugs only made it worse.
now i am more like a zombie, numb and angry at the world.

i don't want to die unhappy.
i want to live.

Current Location: dining room.
Current Mood: crazy.
Current Music: conor

Every Heart is a revolutionary cell.

Current Location: here and nowhere else.
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: a lot.

If you are reading this.. please write me an email.
I messaged you and I don't know why you haven't replied.


I miss you and want to talk.

Current Location: nowhere
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: N O N E